i woke up feeling very peculiar today. after sleeping off the beginnings of a debilitating hangover and the horrible, stale smells coming from my tangled mess of hair, i remembered why i was still in the warm haven of my bed. a national holiday, today. semantically significant but false and largely based on decorations and frivolous parading. hey! hey, look what we did! never mind what’s happening now, or the fact that any slight semblance of autonomy disappeared long, long ago into the bowels of the next big bully who took over. by god, we can march like no one’s business.

i’ve been parading too, internally. to keep me on one end of the teetering ledge between complete hysteria and partial hysteria. i can’t forgo their company, their rage and forgiveness, their ugly logic and practical aid. i used to be independent, i still pretend to, but i don’t think i am. my thoughts are completely out of control but in control of me. theories/memories/plans/decisions/images/conversations, raging, making love to each other in my head then disagreeing and trying to claw their way out of the inside of my skull. i’ve gone loopy.

but i feel you, lebanon. at least we put on a damn good show.